I didn’t intend to write today. But God needs me to grow more, so here I am letting my heart open wide and showing the truth of who I was yesterday and who He is helping me become today.
My relationship with my oldest son is strained to say the least. I believe, he in essence views me as an enemy on various levels. I am sure, deep down he loves me but nevertheless, right now it’s hard for him or me to see that. I love him… at least I thought I did. We had a scenario play out a couple days ago, that ended pretty ugly. I didn’t intend to hurt him but I did. I was not aggressive, angry or confrontational in my demeanor or words to him, yet from his response to me, I could see he viewed me as threatening… as an enemy. My heart sank and still aches to realize that he sees me this way. I mean, I am his mom and of course I love him and I want so much to be the mom that he loves and cherishes. At first, I chose not to see the truth and placed all the blame and responsibility on him but over the past couples days, I have been reviewing in my mind our relationship and praying and learning about what I could do to change and improve it. What came next was unexpected.
I hike…. I go hiking several days a week and today was one of those days. I don’t listen to music but use the time to take care of my body and allow my mind and heart to think and reflect. On the mountain today, one of my “downloads from heaven” arrived and I nearly had to stop hiking from holding in the sobs of truthful realizations while trying to catch my breath. See, I have come to understand that on some level I resented him. I won’t go into details (because it’s a long story) but it all came flooding to my heart and mind of the resentments I held related to my perceptions and experiences from the past concerning my biological father and my husband, and how those perceptions have caused me to feel and act the way I have towards my son. I really do love him…. but I didn’t love him unconditionally. Interestingly and coincidentally, the same realization played out between my husband and I just a week ago. ( See, I told you God needs me to grow more!)
What I have learned is that even though the trials and false beliefs of my past lead me to behave this way… I am still accountable for who I am now. I need to ask my son, like I did his father, for forgiveness. Whatever wrong I perceived was being done to me,(withholding of unconditional love) I had been also inflicting on him. I wasn’t loving him for who he is, no matter what.
An important TRUTH that was also brought to my mind, is that the Lord chastens who he loves. ( Hebrews 12:6) But I think the deeper truth of this scripture, is that when we feel chastened from making mistakes, it is NOT God distancing Himself from us. These are the times when He is calling to us to remember who we are ….divine children of God with godly potential! This pain is a tool for remembering our divine worth, It is meant to stretch and change us, to get back in alignment with truth.
I am not a bad person or a bad mother. I strive to live an honorable life, as I am sure you do too. But we are all chastened at times…. and it just means that we are due for growth. God Loves you and wants to give you more LIGHT in your heart , so that you can LOVE others more,
The best thing I can do or any mother can do, is to teach and love unconditionally. Too many times we ( parents) look to our children to behave a certain way, accomplish certain things or do things as WE would do them, in order for US to be happy. The TRUTH is that my happiness does not depend on anyone else…. it comes from within. And NO one on this earth could fill my void except for the Love of God and His Son, Jesus Christ, because they show me Who we I am and who I am meant to become. This is what I hope to teach my children. Love is our answer to everything… Love of self and others. God will take care of the rest.
Aromatherapy oils like ” Forgive” and Rosemary help me move through times like this.
djwescott4@gmail.com
It can be tough as we allow God to refine us, but through the Atonement's transforming power, we survive and become better. thank you for sharing your story, it helps others relate to you. We've all had situations similar to this. This is a great reminder! Love you Debbie!